


i wish you were here (no i don't) ( yes i do)

by ouroboric



Series: deathly emotional flowers [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: (10 points to slytherin for the toppdogg pun), Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Mild Language, Not Really Character Death, Oops I angsted, Or Is he?, RIP, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love, after the pain yano, at least it wasnt my first, i really need to update my mx fic, kinda prompt based, kinda weird angst, lapslock, man do i love parenthesis, taeyongs oblivious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-31 20:15:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8592052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ouroboric/pseuds/ouroboric
Summary: yuta doesn't feel well. maybe it's the fault of the flowers in his stomach.





	

**Author's Note:**

> oooOOOPS
> 
> i really should update the mx fic
> 
> maybe i will
> 
> :^)

the hot sun beat down upon the two teens laying on the grassy hill placed behind a large company building. a light breeze ruffled the grass, making the day seem more bearable than it was. the boys stared at each other, unaware of the other natural beauty around them, only entranced with each other. taeyong smiled at the other, making him fall impossibly more in love. yuta brushed his hand through taeyong’s bleached bangs, feeling the rough hairs that passed through his fingers. 

 

“do you think they’re gonna call us back inside soon?” yuta wondered, not wanting this moment to end. he was content to stay in the same spot, being an idol be damned, if it meant staying with taeyong. 

 

taeyong smiled, eyes crinkling at the corner. he shifted, moving his hand to cushion his head and stayed silent for a second more.

 

“probably,” taeyong sighed. it seemed to yuta that taeyong didn't want to leave either. “knowing manager, he’ll probably call us in soon.” taeyong stared at him as if he were the only thing in the world, portraying such love that it physically warmed yuta, making him fill with love.

 

yuta smiled sarcastically and began to poke taeyong’s well-muscled shoulder, trying to provoke him.

 

“maybe he’ll just take you and let me stay outside, since you suck so badly.” he jokingly said, still poking the other’s shoulder. taeyong gave him a taunting grin and rolled over onto yuta, pinning him down to the pokey grass.

 

yuta inhaled sharply, yet quietly. the light made taeyong look even more angelic than he already was. he looked magnificent, the slanting light illuminating his features and bringing life into his already alluring eyes. taeyong grinned a cat-like grin before rolling them both around, dirtying their clothes and bodies. but neither of them cared, they were so in love.

 

taeyong stopped, and just stared down at yuta with such overflowing passion that yuta flushed, burning up. he hooked his arms around taeyong’s neck, pulling them teasingly closer.

 

they brushed noses and taeyong slid off of yuta and curled himself around yuta’s side. yuta stole a worrying look at taeyong whose eyes were now closed in satisfaction. he brushed his hands through taeyong’s hair, not wanting to ruin the moment with a minuscule insecurity of his.

 

taeyong opened his eyes and lethargically looked at yuta, taking in his chewed lip and darting eyes that refused to look in his direction. he lifted his head off of yutas chest and looked him in the eye.

 

“what’s bothering you?” it was so soft, yuta barely heard it underneath all the other voices chanting in his head. yuta gulped a large breath and opened his mouth, hoping that his next words wouldn’t be brash or abrasive.

“do you love me? like, truly love me. i -,” he cut himself off before he could say anything else that would embarrass himself. he made a pitiful whimper sound, afraid of the response he was going to procure.

 

after a long and pensive silence, yute looked over to the other boy and was met with a strong stare. taeyong fluttered his hand across yuta’s cheek, cupping it.

 

“do i love you? yuta, there is no words to describe my love for you.” taeyongs gaze suggested that what he was saying was true, but the way he said the words sounded  _ wrong _ , as if what he was saying was artificial.

“do, do you? taeyong please do -,” with a strangled cry, yuta tore his face out of taeyong’s hold. taeyong was slowly graying, along with the surrounding landscape. it was all melting away, turning into nothingness, and so was taeyong. 

 

yuta scrambled upward, the  _ thing _ following his lead.

 

“yuta.” came out a voice, a grating, dead voice as if  _ it _ were being taken apart. it reached out but yuta took a step back, hands curling up and taking sweeping stares of his surroundings. he didn’t want to look at taeyong. he closed his eyes, wishing for the moment to be over.

 

abruptly, yuta felt a cold sensation on his cheeks. thinking it was taeyong again, he opened his eyes and focused on where he was last, but he was no more. all that was left of him was dark dust, already scattering in the betraying breeze that was once enjoyable.

  
  
  


yuta awoke with a loud gasp, punctuated with a shuddering cry. he grasped his sheets in both hands, twisting them like how his heart was. he could feel cold tears roll down his face, a contrast to the warm blankets wrapped around his body, courtesy of the one who had caused his sorrow. he slowly sat up and unravelled his hands from the sheets, instead putting his head between both and taking deep, rattling breaths.

 

_ it was just a dream. only a dream. _

 

and that’s what hurt him the most. it was  _ only  _ a dream. all the love taeyong felt for yuta was  _ fake _ ; just a figment of his desperate imagination. it felt so  _ real _ and left yuta hurting and wanting more, no matter the cost. he cursed himself, he cursed taeyong, for no reason other than to pin the blame on someone else. to try and persuade himself that it wasn’t his fault he was hurting so much. but it was.

 

yuta took in a crackling breath and let his tears fall silently, soaking the blanket that had come unraveled. he blinked, trying to clear his eyes but failing when more drops fell.

 

he looked slowly around the room, hoping he had woken no one else up with his outburst. he didn’t want to inconvenience any of the other members, they didn’t need to know. 

 

sighing in relief, the sigh coming out as more of a gasp, his body trying to hunt for air, he layed down and tried to ignore the running tears on his cheeks. he angrily wiped at the steady stream, trying to make them stop. he breathed in again, this time it turned into a hiccup. he couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment, but he had begun to sob, shaking and making pathetic groans.

 

hearing one of the members move in their sleep, yuta silently slunk out of bed and made his way into the hallway, covering his mouth with his hand.

 

clicking on the light and shutting the door, yuta faced himself in the mirror. he looked like shit. his eyes were red, and his skin was blotchy, more red on his cheeks where his tears had run down. holding his breath, he tried to quiet down, ultimately succeeding when he let go. 

 

he turned on the faucet and splashed his face with water, hoping to make the redness go down. it didn’t matter, but it just made yuta feel better. he switched off the faucet and grabbed a towel to dry his face.

 

when he opened the door, he was faced with a person who made him want to cry all over again.

 

taeyong gave him a inquisitive look, making him somehow look adorable. his hair was all ruffled up, and he had a blanket draped over his shoulders, holding it tight in the front.

 

“yuta?” he began, drowsy. “what happened?” he took a step forward as yuta took one back, putting his hands up as if that would help protect him.

 

“please. don’t.” his voice was choked up with emotion, unshed tears piercing at his eyes. taeyong looked upset and confused. he screwed up his face, trying to understand the situation.

 

“yuta, what’s bothering you?” he was so blissfully unaware that what he just said mirrored the boy standing in front of him’s destruction, that it sent shockwaves of pain through yuta’s body. yuta chose his next words carefully, fearful that a slip up could mean that he would break down in front of  _ him _ , the bringer of unknowing pain. or worse, he would disgust him so badly he wanted to leave. leave nct. leave seoul. leave yuta.

 

“just -,” his throat closed, catching the unspoken words. he coughed and shook, gripping onto the bathroom countertop with one hand, so hard his fingers turned white. “just a bad dream, taeyong. please go back to sleep.” his voice cracked, making him sound like a dog left to wait for an owner that would never come back. “please. just go back to sleep.”

 

the questioning gaze only turned stronger, not making yuta feel any better about his situation. taeyong made to reach for yuta, but the other flinched, making taeyong rethink his decision, hurt running across his features.

 

taeyong moved his hands, making yuta take another step back, but he was just taking the blanket off his shoulders. taeyong, as if he were in the presence of a small, frightened deer, gently draped the blanket around yuta’s shoulders, barely brushing his fingertips against the other.

 

yuta held his breath. as soon as taeyong stepped away and out into the hallway, was only when he allowed himself to breathe. 

 

he collapsed to the ground, the encounter having drained the rest of his energy. he curled up, cradling the blanket in his arms and taeyong’s scent drifted up. the smell alone made yuta hurt, a callous hurting that felt infinite. he tossed the blanket away, not getting very far, telling himself that he didn’t deserve it, that he should’ve been quieter. that he should’ve been more thoughtful.

 

on the cold bathroom tile, yuta laid awake, only finding sleep for a couple hours before being woken up by the opening of the door.

 

“yuta-hyung?” mark paused mid-step. “what are you doing in here?” he dropped to his knees and lightly helped yuta off of his side and into a criss-cross sit. yuta’s head fell to his chest, ashamed that he was so weak in front of his younger friend.

 

“yuta-hyung, look at me.” came mark’s soft voice. yuta hesitantly lifted his head, afraid of the pity in mark’s eyes. “c’mon, hyung. let’s get you out of here.” he held out his hands expectantly.

 

yuta stared at them, tears filling his eyes. he blinked and they ran down his cheeks, before taking mark’s hands and using them to stand up.

 

he suddenly felt the need to defend himself, tell the younger he was alright, that he was okay. to hide the truth to try and not make mark worry for no reason.

 

“i -,” yuta started but was soon cut off.

 

“don’t say it’s nothing hyung, i know it’s not,” mark paused. “if you don’t want to tell me what this is about, then you don’t have to.” mark looked at yuta with the utmost understanding, making yuta feel like crying harder. he didn’t deserve this. he didn’t deserve being understood. yet here mark was. one of the youngest yet most mature and open.

 

all yuta could do was nod and wipe the tears off his face. he felt so overwhelmed. he felt self-hatred and loneliness, but he also felt understood. if taeyong never loved him back, there would be someone to catch him, even if yuta didn’t fully believe it.

 

yuta looked at mark, trying to thank him with his eyes since he didn’t trust his voice. mark just patted him on the back and softly pushed him to the door.

 

“...not that i don’t like talking to you hyung, i just gotta pee” and yuta was out the door.

 

fortunately, yuta didn’t run into any of the other members returning to his room. upon entering he made sure to fully close and  _ lock _ the door, not wanting anyone to bother him for a while.

 

yuta cautiously walked over to his bed, trying not to make a sound in case someone was walking past, and sat down. he folded himself in half and reached under the bed frame, searching for something.

 

he sat up once he had found what he was looking for; a polaroid of him and his mother on his last day in japan before he flew over to korea to become apart of sm. he hadn’t been able to call his mother or father in a while and was beginning to nurse a serious case of homesickness, the unrequited love making him feel worse. he felt drained and bet his mother could fix him right up, she always did.

 

nostalgia started to swirl and fill yuta with childhood memories from osaka; him falling on the harsh concrete and his mother patching up his knee, ignoring his tears at first but ending up brushing them away and telling him to stay strong, that he was strong, that he would always be strong.

 

he brushed his finger over the picture, trying not to cry as he circled his mother's face. swiveling his head, he started to look for his phone. he momentarily dropped the photo as he reached all over his bed sheets, finally coming up with the electronic after shoving his hand behind his pillow.

 

taking in a shaky breath, he clicked on the phone icon and began to tap in a number he knew by heart.

 

* * *

 

taeyong didn’t know what to do. his head was full of questions that continued to be unanswered; what happened to yuta? why did he act that way? why was he crying? who hurt him? it hurt his head to think about it, but what if he hurt yuta? taeyong tried to trace back to what had been said that night, thinking over everything he had done, even the smallest of actions; all of the nct members, members who had debuted or not, had been given a day off and they had decided to spend it in small groups and meet up later on. taeyong tried to remember what he had done. he had put his arm around yuta while they were walking back to the dorm. maybe that’s what he was so upset about?

 

he fell back onto the floor, grimacing at the coldness. taeyong stared up at the practice room ceiling, wishing he knew what had happened to his friend to make him seem so scared, and frightened, like a small forest creature caught in future-seeing headlights.

* * *

 

 

yuta grasped the phone in his hand, droplets of salty water plopping onto the plastic cover. he squeezed and breathed out and felt better. he felt refreshed. of course, his heart was still hurting, but it was hurting less. calling his mom was exactly what he needed.

sniffling, he stood up, pocketing his phone while he walked to the door. he twisted the knob and heard the click of the lock and began to scout around the hallway. there was no one.

 

still paranoid about taeyong, he made his way slowly to the living space and still, there was no one. but there was a note lying upon the coffee table..

  
  


‘ _ yuta-hyung, we went out to practice without you. the managers believed that you were sick and needed to rest. take as much time as you need, we’ll bring you some food. don’t be so harsh on yourself. _

 

_ -mark a̶n̶d̶ ̶t̶a̶e̶y̶o̶n̶g̶ no hyung’ _

he skipped over the second name in the signature and sniffled once more, his nose clogged from emotion. yuta then turned into the kitchen, now on the hunt for food.

  
  
  


after he had eaten all he could stomach of the slightly undercooked eggs that were left for him, he got up and began to think of what to do. he couldn’t just tell taeyong that he was in love with him. he would have to be subtle, think about what his mother said. 

 

luckily, his mother wasn’t perturbed that he was in love with a boy; what she was perturbed with was that she couldn’t be there to help yuta through it. she was really worried; especially if the unrequitedness evolved into hanahaki disease. both yuta and his mom wouldn’t know what to do if it did turn.

 

deciding to not dwell on unneeded worries that would most likely plague him later, yuta turned to electronics for a distraction. upon tapping the home button, yuta saw he had various messages from his friends; ranging from get well soons to what the fuck happeneds. he decided to whoosh away kun’s ‘dude did you die or smth? i want your place if you did.’ yuta of course knew he was joking, he just didn’t need to be reminded of the potential disease that could kill him if he succumbed to it. what he did answer was mark’s ‘you doing ok, hyung?’ and ten’s ‘hope you’re doing well!!!’ commenting on tens over-usage of exclamation marks made him feel better. but only a bit.

 

the sound of the door being unlocked reverberated in yuta’s ears, making him jump and look up from his phone. mark walked in, looking down, followed by winwin and donghyuck, all carrying at least one plastic bag. yuta could faintly make out the shapes of various types of takeout. mark looked up and jumped when he found the older watching them.

 

“sup, yuta-hyung? you doing ok?” the others may not have gotten the underlying message, but yuta did. he wanted to be truthful, he wanted to thank mark for being there when he needn’t be. yuta took a deep, pensive breath.

 

“ok, i guess?” yuta searched for a word to describe how he felt, but found none that fit perfectly. “better... yeah, better.” he nodded, as if needing to convince  _ himself  _ that he was truly feeling better.

 

winwin and donghyuck looked at each other, confusion written on their faces. they had not been present when yuta had his episode this morning and felt like they were missing something. something potentially important.

 

“yuta-hyung, what’s the problem?” asked winwin, using his now improved korean. taeyong had been especially proud when winwin had shown them off, handling everyone’s ice cream price that night. it made yuta hurt to think about what would have been such a happy moment if only he hadn’t been such a ‘stick in the mud’ back then.

 

“i -,” yuta didn’t know how he was going to word it. on one hand, he didn’t want to worry the younger, on another hand he didn’t want to keep secrets. “i’m just - i’m just homesick. that’s all, winwin. i’ll be fine.” though winwin nor donghyuck looked particularly swayed by his excuse, they didn’t question him further, which was all he could ask for.

 

yuta retreated back to his room after he had his fill of food. he was laying down, drifting into the misleadingly soft clutches of sleep when a knock on the door interrupted.

 

“yuta? are-are you doing better? i mean, mark told me that you are, but i don’t exactly know for sure if you are. i-i just wanted to check up on you-.” taeyong’s frantic and voice-cracked filled ramblings were abruptly cut off by yuta opening the door.

“taeyong, shut up.” with that in the air, and taeyong’s adorable confused puppy look, yuta felt compelled to kiss him. where yuta thought he would feel soft lips, he felt grit. yuta pulled back and was once again surrounded by swirling dark dust.

  
  


when yuta woke up this time around, he wasn’t bawling. he wasn’t choking on his tears. but he was choking on something.

 

_ shit. _

 

yuta stumbled out of the blankets that had wound their way around him and out into the hall, trying not to puke.

 

as soon as his knees hit the hard tile of the bathroom, the toilet seat already flipped up (thank god for living with guys) he began to heave up the flowers stuck in his throat. tears ran down his face as the multi-colored petals drifted to the water. after they were out, he felt something oddly smooth in his mouth and reached in to grab a ruffled white petal. disgusted, he threw it into the water along with the others.

 

he took a deep breath and made a note of the colors. afterall, flower colors have meaning right?

 

yuta felt like something was wrong though as he looked over the many petals. wasn’t the first wave of sickness supposed to be one color? he tried to remember what the site he looked at had said, but he couldn’t bring it up. fuck his shitty memory.  he had a gut feeling it was supposed to be one color, but his was a mixture, not a pure substance. blue dominated the mix, but hiding beneath the blue were pink, white and yellow petals. yuta didn’t know what  _ those _ meant, but he guessed something bad. something  _ very  _ bad.

* * *

 

 

after digging around the internet (after sneaking back to his bedroom, no one had noticed luckily. they had all fallen asleep after their meal in the living area.) yuta concluded that he was royally fucked.

 

according to the website, blue petals meant “I can’t have you, but i want you.” well, that didn’t surprise him. pink meant joy and other bullshit whereas white meant innocence. yellow meant friendship.  _ fuck.  _ he was stuck in the friendzone wasn’t he?

 

it... still didn’t make sense. yuta felt  _ love _ towards taeyong, but then why were the colors symbolizing all this friendship bull? the blue petals obviously hit the nail on the head with the desire shit, so then what did the other petals mean? maybe they stand for taeyong’s feelings on yuta? it wasn’t that bad a guess, and guessing was all he could do at this point. not many sites had facts about hanahaki disease, except for the obvious; what it is and how to remove it.

yuta’s head and body hurt, from the act of throwing up and the fact that he had officially shown the first symptoms of a basically incurable disease. he felt tired, mentally and physically and dearly hoped no other nightmares plagued him that night - well, late afternoon. oh well.

 

* * *

 

 

sweat rained off of him in never-ending rivulets, dropping down to the laminate floor. taeyong rushed a hand through his hair, trying to dispel the sweat drips from his bleached hair that seemed to be dying on him. 

 

his body may have been occupied with trying to cool him down, but his mind was focused on a complete different objective; find out what happened to yuta. 

 

collapsing on the floor, his mind raced. he hadn’t been able to properly practice earlier without knowing whether yuta was okay or not. he felt bad that he was holding up his group based on his feelings for another, but at the same time, he truly didn’t give a fuck. he was gonna care if one of his good friends wasn’t feeling well and that was that.

  
good friend, nothing more.

* * *

 

 

based on:[this](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/53/7d/1f/537d1f5a3d3561a67ed89d397f2da2dd.jpg)

**Author's Note:**

> there will be another part
> 
> watch out
> 
> also if anyone could tell me how to hyperlink/bbc in notes that would be appreciated
> 
> :^)


End file.
